i'm in the second month of junior year now.

I have friends now, "a life" as my best friend puts it. He says "you have a life brittany, you finally have a life." I wonder at what cost i gained a life. i've realized i'm not a very good person. I think i used to be though, I think i used to be, back when i sat next to radiators, and let everyone tease me. back when i just read books. back when i was scared to speak, at school and not. back when i dealt with the blows i got, but remained steadfast in what i believed. i may have been miserable, i admit that, but during that time, i was the truest form of me, she was all i knew how to be. it's like i had a paper bag over my head, and i couldn't see the world. years ago, when that one kid said that one thing, removing the paper bag off my head, showing me what i never cared to see, that was it, that was the first push. i observed it all. i realized i was not part of it all. i didn't like what it was. i didn't like the world of "cliques" and conforming. i didn't like their world. but not as long ago, when that one guy, gave me that one look, he gave me the only other push i needed.

i started thinking the way they all thought. I started thinking i was ugly, i wanted to be pretty for him. i cut my hair, i changed my glasses. i started wanting friends. i started changing to match who they wanted me to be. and here i am- the finished product. i'm liked. i have friends. i don't believe i'm pretty, but i've been told by a few people that i am, whether i believe them or not. i'm oppositional in my opinions, my beliefs, but for people, or more specifically, the people i've let myself care so much for, i'm conformist. i'm funny if you want me to be. i'm serious if you want me to be. i'll hate you if you want me to. oh, for you, at least i try. i'll love you if you want me to. i'll listen for as long as you want. yes what i say is true, as in my opinions, what i think. but really, in the most general sense of the word, if i care about you, i'll do anything to make you happy.

that may sound nice, but all i've really said, to "wrap it up" is that i've come to a point, where i'll be miserable for the sake of the happiness of another, and yes, good intentioned, but it's a very sad thing when you can't differentiate yourself from the basis of a clown, and not the clown that's goofy and all, but the clown that puts on a mask and will be sad inside, but will dance around, just to make everyone happy. that's why i say i'm not a very good person anymore. that means part of me is fake, which means part of me is lying. thats why.

i can't believe i let myself down again, just when i thought i was letting myself up. (though this may just sound whiny since it's been a rough day. i'm usually way more optimistic. it's just been a rough day.)

thanks for all the views, comments, critiques, faves, as always. they mean a lot.

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if anyone has a tumblr, feel free: [link]

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Clubs:

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